Thursday, April 28, 2005

much on my mind

Finally spent a night completely immune to the squirrels in my head*. Deep undisturbed sleep, at least til 4am anyway. But after that middle of the night girl and her dog pee break, we returned to the same deep sleep.

Morning dawned and brought with it a whole new area of stress in that the period that I've been expecting still hasn't arrived, but the early results pregnancy test says not to worry nonetheless. Surprisingly, I find myself with mixed feelings. Bundles and bundles of mixed feelings to obsess over.

Ya see, I made a decision as a teenager not to ever have children and spent twenty odd years with no reason to challenge that decision. Then this cute guy comes along and marries me despite it, despite feeling differently himself, and somewhere along the line, my feelings have mellowed. Much like the rabid feminist I once was.

And as I near 40 (in June) the biological clock starts clicking.

Just for kicks, the biological clock decided to kick me in the butt today on a number of other topics, mostly because I'm very good at deciding not to confront issues by virtue of getting upset about other things instead. There's a long list of other things I want to get done, and get done NOW. Like the honeymoon in Iceland and Scotland that we still can't afford.

There's a rule, isn't there? A timeline for relationships.

You date, get married, have a honeymoon and come home pregnant, and buy a house and a toaster together, and live happily ever after. Right?

Well, we dated, skipped right to the house purchase together, lived in sin for a bit, and then got married. But still... I was kind of hoping for the honeymoon to happen before the pregnancy.

I'd settle the squirrels in the head, just for the next few days, if it would just STOP RAINING! I have garden things to do. A co-worker earlier muttered something hideous about it being snow, but I refused to believe her. Denial is one's friend.

* Credit for the squirrels analogy goes to Vandy, who really should start a blog of her own someday.


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